The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly
speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it
may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few
sips everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and
was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning
to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor.
- 1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
- 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- 4. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T".
- 5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub. Yeah God!"
- 6. We do not refer our savior, Jesus Crist and his Apostles as "J.C.
and the Gang"
- 7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him".
- 8. Moses parted the water at the red Sea, he didn't pass water.
- 9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko".
- 10. The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him
as "The Godfather".
- 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, "Eat me".
- 12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't
"stoned off his ass".
- 13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big
Daddy, Junior and The Spook".
- 14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "fix me a Bloody Mary".
- 15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy pulling
contest as St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's